


He.

by SteadyLittleSoldier



Series: Carry Your World [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: ASL, Aaron is like a big brother, Alex is smol and soft, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, College AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Henry Laurens is not that bad, John is kind of a fuckboy, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Mute Alexander Hamilton, Muteness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Thanksgiving, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Male Character, Trust Issues, burr is a sweetheart, mute alex, rating for swear words, savealex2k17, smol alex, trans!alex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteadyLittleSoldier/pseuds/SteadyLittleSoldier
Summary: Alex is mute and finds it hard to trust anyone except Aaron.When John falls for the boy with dark hair and big brown eyes who has so much to say, he does everything he can to earn his trust. But Alex likes him exactly where he is....Prequel to all the other works of the series.





	1. Hey.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if there are any typos/mistakes.

Aaron Burr is never one to party. ‘Never’ is not exactly correct, because once in a while Lafayette, who is overly friendly with everyone, will drag him out of his dorm room, where he is either studying or talking to his girlfriend – who is still a mystery to everyone who know him – or skyping with – who he says to be – his brother. But most people know he has no blood brother. Aaron’s father was the president of Princeton college before he and his wife died, leaving Aaron alone with his sister and orphaned. Nobody knows who took care of them; they must have needed some guardians as they were very young when they lost their parents. All they know is this - his parents left enough fortune for him to sit on his ass and spend his life luxuriously, and he will disappear every other weekend to see his “family”. 

“What family?” nobody dares to ask because that would sound rude. It can not be his sister because she lives in London with her husband now. But John Laurens once asked “where?” to which he answered, “New Jersey.” Everybody assumes he goes to see his girlfriend, that he considers her to be his family now, even though it sounds way too dramatic for him.

But all the confusion dispels the day the freshmen start to arrive.

John, on his sophomore year in college, has just settled into his dorm room again, which he shares with John Andre, when Hercules Mulligan and Lafayette, his two best friends, barge into the room. 

“Party at Lee’s!” declares Hercules, a little out of breath, as if it is the most urgent news in the world right now.

John sighs and sits down on his bed which he has just made. The other bed is empty. John has decided to come to the campus two days before the semester starts to settle in properly. “Hello to you too.”

“John, we’ve been texting for hours before we started unpacking, there’s no need to be offended for ignoring pleasantries.” says Lafayette monotonously, flopping on Andre’s bed.

“Hey, get off!” says John and shoves Lafayette until he stands up again.

“What’s wrong with that? It’s stripped anyway.”

“I just don’t want Andre to think I was doing any sort of monkey business while he wasn’t here, a’right?”

“ _ N’importe quoi. _ ” Layette goes to sit at the desk.

“The party!” Hercules reminds them.

John tsked. “I hate that guy. Besides I am dead tired and not in the mood.”

"Get off yo’ ass, Laurens."

They drag and shove him out of the door before he can protest.

 

Both John and Hercules ignore the fact that Lafayette is basically scanning the crowd, no wonder what he is looking for. But when Aaron enters the room, his eyes are glued to the person Aaron is holding hands with. 

"Ooh who's that cutie with Aaron?"

The other two fixate Lafayette before checking them out.

"Has he finally gotten around to bring his girlfriend to a party?" says Hercules.

Lafayette looks at him, incredulous. "That's a guy! And Aaron isn’t gay."

"Guys, don't just assume!" John scolds, eyebrows furrowing, but gaze never leaving the stranger as Aaron is delicately holding their hand and moving through the crowd talking to people. The stranger has a smile plastered on their face. It's sweet. Cute. Nice. Warm. Innocent. "Anyway Laf, quit trying to get into everyone’s pants, you have a girlfriend." The spell breaks when John hears Lafayette make a small noise in his throat like a dying animal in pain. "What? What happened?"

Lafayette sighs. "Look, don't judge me, but our relationship is ... opened now." he says, looking confused himself.

"You mean open relationship?" John offers. Lafayette nods. "Well, why would I judge you? It's your life."

“Thanks, but aren’t you with that blonde boy you met last semester? Why are you checking out Aaron’s friend?” 

John looks around, uncomfortable. “We broke up, alright?”

Lafayette arches an eyebrow. “We?”

“Ok. Ok.” John huffs. “ _ I  _ broke it off.”

“When? You  _ just  _ started dating!” says Lafayette, incredulous.

“During break.”

Lafayette pauses for a while, eyeing John. “You did something during break, didn’t you? That’s why you’ve been so off.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it…” he mutters, taking a sip from the glass in his hand.

“I don’t understand why you are so indifferent about everyone… You are always like ‘meh, whatever.’ We should get you a shirt with that meh emoji.” he says, nudging Hercules.

“Right?” says Hercules, chuckling and giving Lafayette a high five.

When it becomes clear that John is not at all amused and is not going to answer them, Lafayette shrugs. "Anyway, Adrienne says I can hook up with people as long as we don't develop any emotional attachment." he pauses for a moment, then says looking down, "Long distance relationships are hard."

"I understand... " John says, patting his back. "I mean, I don't really, but I'm trying to. Still, my brother... calling dibs on the cute friend of Aaron."

Lafayette gave him such a shocked look at the abrupt change of mood that John bursts out laughing. "You bastard! You're not even friends with Aaron and now you go calling dibs on his cute friends? It's not fair!"

"You're not his friend either. You're just nice to him, and you're nice to everyone - except for me, you’re not nice to me - so it doesn't count." argues John. 

"You guys keep bickering like an old married couple and I'll make a move." says Hercules.

"It’s not even your area!" John and Lafayette yell at Hercules, which is drowned by the sudden burst of music.

“ _ Now _ we can assume their gender?” he mutters, annoyed.

"Oh shit, they're coming this way. Act cool!" John says in a hushed voice as he tries to subtly settle his unruly hair a little which is a fruitless endeavor.

Aaron waves at them, his other hand still holding his friend’s. "Hey guys!"

"Hey, Aaron." all three say in unison.

"Guys, this is Alex." 

"Hi!" says John awkwardly before anyone else can say anything. "I'm John. John Laurens." He is astonished at his own behavior, he is usually so smooth.

To his surprise, Aaron chuckles and Alex waves at him, a tiny shy smile playing on his lips. And if John were looking closely, he would see the color of Alex’s cheeks darkening just a little.

"Gilbert. Or Lafayette."

"Hercules Mulligan. And yes, I am proud of my name."

Alex laughs silently a little at that. Then he begins to move his hands and fingers in different signs that John can only register as sign language but none of them know what he is saying. So Aaron translates, "It's nice to meet you all."

"You, too." John says as the other two smile and nod.

Alex has long smooth hair that brush against his shoulder. His big brown eyes are full of life and wonder. But he never lets go of Aaron’s hand. When Aaron lets it go to take a glass from Lafayette, who has brought drinks for them, Jon notices Alex subtly grabbing the hem of Aaron’s shirt. And for some reason Aaron calls him his brother.

"Oh so this is the brother!" Lafayette yelps at one point. And Aaron puts his hand on Alex’s shoulder like a proud big brother.

Alex signs something to Aaron and they excuse themselves after a while. And John whines internally. He wanted to know more about Alex, wanted to keep looking in his warm eyes and see how his smooth hair drape his face and rest on his shoulders. But alas, they have gone to the other side of the room. 

John gets to see Alex again some forty minutes later while Alex is roasting Samuel Seabury. John watches, spellbound, as Alex frantically signs, his hands almost look blurry to a very tipsy John, they are so fast. He wonders how long Aaron has been with him to interpret so fluently. But even Aaron is stuttering at places. John's mind is buzzing but he is mesmerized by the points Alex constructs. He loses himself and he doesn't know for how long it goes but he listens to the whole of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to post this for a long time now. I mean like a REALLY long time. Like from last October. So I am really excited about this one. I have the draft of the next ten chapters, and the rest is all planned out. But I have another Lams fic that is WIP. So I will try to update this one at least once a week.  
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	2. Friended.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hercules and Lafayette and John and Facebook.

“Do you think it would be weird if I send Alex a friend request?” John ponders aloud the next day in Hercules and Lafayette’s room with his laptop on the desk which he had initially opened to get a head start on their new syllabus but which now displayed a Facebook page.

“Who?” Lafayette does not look up from his phone.

“Alex. Alexander Hamilton.”

“Oh…” Lafayette says, distracted still. “Oh!” He looks up. “You’re stalking him now?”

“I’m not  _ stalking _ him! I was on Facebook and…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, I thought I would see if he was even  _ on _ Facebook. You know, ‘cause Aaron isn’t on  _ anything _ and so private.”

“So Alex is on Facebook?” Lafayette goes back to texting.

John walks to him with his laptop and sits beside him on the bed before snatching the phone from him and putting it out of his reach. “Can you stop texting your girlfriend and concentrate for a second?”

“ _Oui_. Ok. Tell me.” Lafayette sees the laptop opened on Alex’s Facebook profile. The profile picture shows a slightly younger Alex with short hair and in a red shirt, who is oblivious that someone is taking a picture of him. 

“If I send-”

“I’m glad someone needs my attention. Adrienne wouldn’t have it, she’s busy. Kept saying, ‘ _ je suis occupée.’  _ So it’s like having a puppy. When your girlfriend doesn’t have time for you, you have a puppy who needs your full attention. Feels nice. I feel needed. _ ”  _ John gives him a not-at-all-amused look. “Sorry. Do carry on.”

“So if I send him a friend request, he will know that I looked him up ‘cause it’s not like we have many mutual friends here so he would pop up on my ‘people you may know’ thingy. But would that be weird?” He adds as Lafayette takes his time to think, “but he friended one of the Schuyler sisters, and her brother is on my friend list. So it’s not like there is  _ zero _ percent chance of his profile showing up on my ‘people you may know.’”

“There is almost no chance,  _ mon ami _ .” 

“Dammit.” John mutters.

“You found him on Facebook and not accidentally, mind you.” Lafayette looks at the wall, humming, pretending to be a sage for a moment. “This could be either endearing or slightly creepy. Or maybe both.”

John shoves him. “You’re no help. Herc,” he calls Hercules from across the room. “What do you say?”

“You got nothing to lose, man.”

“But I do…” John mumbles, then whines.

“Just send him the damn request. It’s a ‘friend’ request anyway, not a ‘boyfriend’ request.”

John makes a determined face. “You’re right. I'm gonna do it.”

“I’m always right. And if things go a little awkward, you just say, ‘hey, no homo, bro.’”

John stares at Hercules for a long while, narrowing his eyes, considering. “You’re not actually the worst person to go to for this sort of advice. You’re better than Mr. Charmer-myself-but-unable-to-help-you here.”

“Hey!” Lafayette slaps his chest with the back of his hand. “I tried!”

"You've never needed advice before." says Hercules at the same time.

“Ok. I am sending him a friend request.” He clicks the button. “And done!”

“Thank god.” Hercules mutters under his breath and goes back to his comic book.

 

After dinner John returns to their room and stops at the doorway, grinning from ear to ear and doing little jumps, practically vibrating.

“Ok, Bluebell, stop hopping. What’s up?” Hercules asks.

“He’s gay.” declares John.

“Who is?”

“God! Alex. Who else?” he says entering the room and falling flat on Hercules’ bed, sighing. Lafayette waves from his desk.

“Wow, you really do like this one, don’t you? I haven’t seen you like this since… never.”

“That’s not true. I like the guys I date… Hey!” He yells as both his friends start to snicker.

“Date is a strong word,  _ mon ami _ .” says Lafayette

“Ok, fine, whatever. I don’t care what y’all think.” He sits up. “Don’t you want to know how I know he is gay.”

“You stalked him on Facebook again?” Lafayette suggests.

“No. Shut up. I kinda did, but it’s not like… it’s not creepy now, ok? Cause he friended me. I was just scrolling through his profile. I found some cute pictures of him. But the guy is…” John falls back again, sighing dreamily. “He is so smart. He posts this long status updates quite often, and they are so brilliantly written. And he knows so much. He writes about everything… he writes, he writes, he writes, and writes...” He closes his eyes, smiling.

Lafayette and Hercules exchange a look. “Ok, stalker, what else?”

John props up on his elbow. “You know Washington? George Washington?”

“The politician?”

John narrows his eyes. “Yes, the politician. My dad knows him-”

“I do, too.” Lafayette adds but John doesn’t quite give it any attention.

“-yeah, whatever, Alex has pictures with Washington and his wife on Facebook.” Lafayette starts to say something but stops as John sits up again. “Also, he changed his profile picture to a dog’s picture, probably his pet dog or something. So, whatever, in one of those status updates he wrote ‘as a trans gay man…’ and I just about died!”

“Enough with the hyperboles.” comments Hercules.

“No, seriously guys. Up until then I was afraid he might not be into guys.” He falls back on the bed dramatically yet again. “I have a shot,  _ mon amis _ .”

“Hey, don’t steal my thing.” Lafayette warns.

John does not reply. He is smiling at the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Alex's profile picture](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0a/3c/00/0a3c006e4477db7fa50811720bf87288.jpg)


	3. Steps.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> writings and paintings

Within the first two weeks of the new semester they have tons of assignments and readings to do for classes. John cannot say he has forgotten about Alex; he keeps an eye out for him and Aaron in hopes of casually starting a conversation, of knowing more, and he has succeeded several times in the past few weeks. He checks whenever Alex posts anything on Facebook and is careful not to ‘like’  _ everything _ . Alex liked one of his profile pictures a few days ago and he shrieked in his room, waking Andre in the process.

John is busy but Alex scarcely escapes his mind.    
He does not stop to think about his uncharacteristic behaviors. Whatever this is, though it’s new to him, it feels good, it doesn’t hurt, and he is happy. He is too swept off his feet by this boy to give much attention to how it affects him or where this is going.

It is on a Tuesday, after class, that John, with Lafayette, goes to grab lunch at the cafeteria and finds Alex holding a plate full of food and a bottle of water, searching for an empty table and looking lost and confused. This is the first time anyone has seen him alone. He is always with Aaron, except when he is in class.

“Alex!” John beckons from their table. Alex smiles as soon as his wandering eyes find John, and walks toward them. Gesturing to the empty chair beside him, John says, “please, sit. If you want to, that is.” he says, a little hesitant.

Alex smiles at him again and, before taking the seat, signs ‘thank you’.

“He means-” Lafayette is cut off.

“I know what it means.” says John to Lafayette through slightly gritted teeth, giving him an annoyed look. “You’re always welcome.” he says to Alex.

It gets a little awkward after that. Neither John nor Lafayette say anything because they would not understand it when Alex replied. And Alex nibbles his sandwich very shyly and smiles politely whenever he makes eye contact with either of them.

Alex takes his phone out at one point and opens an app. Seconds later a robotic male voice speaks. “How was class?”

John is first to answer, of course. “Great. I mean, not a big fan of all the pressure of papers and stuff, but I really do enjoy classes.”

The conversation is comfortable after that as Lafayette joins in and gives Alex advice seeing this is Alex’s first semester here. Alex just smiles and asks questions with genuine curiosity, and John gets lost.

“Where’s Aaron?” Lafayette asks at one point.

“I left him at his table with his friends. His friends are jerks. James is not so bad, but Thomas is annoying. He started an argument. I don’t mind arguments. But Aaron stopped interpreting what I signed to stop us. So I stormed off.” Alex’s phone says.

“Thomas? Thomas Jefferson?”  

Alex nods. “I think that’s what he said his last name was.”

“Thomas Jefferson is the biggest douchebag you’ll ever come across” John comments with a snort.

“I don’t doubt that.” Alex types before he gives John a high five and giggles without a sound.

“Hey, stop it, you two.” Lafayette warns without genuine anger. “Thomas is a friend of mine and I do not tolerate talking about friends behind their back.”

John groans. “How you can stand that pretentious asshole is beyond me.”

“He is not a pretentious asshole with me. I am French and he likes me.” he says with his nose in the air. “Most people like me.”

John stares at him. “I am not liking you right now."

“Alex.” Aaron jogs to the table. “Don’t do that. Don’t just leave like that. Hey, guys.” he adds, greeting the other to.

Alex signs something that John doesn’t understand.

“Yeah, okay, I’m sorry, you don’t _ have _ to like my friends. You can sit with whoever you like.”

 

 

They chat on Facebook after that. John and Alex. And it’s Alex who starts the conversation at first. It becomes less awkward and more comfortable and easy. John blurs everything else in his head and everything around him when he talks to Alex. John notices he types very fast, and sends him long long paragraphs when he asks his opinion on something (sometimes he doesn’t even have to ask). And John loves reading them, takes screenshots of his favorite ones. Alex lets him read some of his works that he doesn’t post or publish anywhere, and in return John sends him photos of his paintings and sketches; Alex expresses his interest to see them one day. So when John finds Alex reading in the library couple of days later, he waves at him. They talk for a little while (Alex writing on a piece of paper this time to not disturb other people), and John takes him to his dorm room afterwards to show him his paintings. 

They find the room empty; Andre is not there, for which John is thankful. He doesn’t know if Andre would like guests in their room or how he would react to that, which is why John is careful not to let Hercules and Lafayette come to his room because they can raise a ruckus sometimes, and Andre doesn’t like that.

“I don’t have many here. Just the ones I made here, the rest is back home.” says John.

Alex is mesmerized. He stares at each painting for minutes, taking in every detail, admiring the blend of colors, and asks if he is allowed to trace his finger over them. John smiles. 

A lock of Alex’s thick dark hair falls over his face as he get absorbed in the painting of a landscape. It looks like he wants to ask something but his hands are full. John gently, absentmindedly, tucks the lock of hair behind his ear. Alex looks up at him - his big brown eyes are wide. He smiles and looks back at the painting before blood rushes to his cheeks. 

He takes out his phone. “Did you use a reference for this one? It’s very detailed.” he asks about the painting.

John shrugs. “Yes and no. It’s from memory. You can see something like that back in South Carolina, from my room.”

“That’s where you’re from?”

“Yeah.”

“You let your accent slip sometimes.” Alex smiles adorably.

“No, I do not!” John laughs. “What about you then?Are you from New Jersey like Aaron?”

“Originally from Nevis. Then moved to St. Croix. But I was orphaned at a very young age. Then my parents adopted me. George and Martha Washington, do you know them?”

“I do. My dad is in politics too.”

“Oh, right! Senator Laurens. Anyway, I lived with mom and dad in New Jersey before I came here.”

“And Aaron? He’s a family friend?”

“Kind of. We’ve been best friends since my parents took me in.”

If Alex could talk, John could tell by his tone that Alex was leaving things out. But John was too busy looking into those eyes to think about that. He cannot get enough of them. So he invites Alex to go to the movies with him; he is careful to mention that his friends are going too. In truth, only John had planned to watch the movie, something he thought about asking his friends but never did. But he did not want to scare Alex off by inviting him to go with him alone so soon. He is ready to tie his friends up and drag them to the movie theater if he has to.

“Thank you. But I would have to bring Aaron with me.”

“So bring him.” John says enthusiastically. “We hang out sometimes. Not very often… but you know, he is a nice guy.”

Alex smiles up at him again and John dies a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 5am what am i doing with my life


	4. Changes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _-John?_   
>  _-Alex_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super late update. Life happened. Sorry if anyone was waiting.

Casually putting one’s hand on the armrest in a movie theatre is probably the oldest trick in the book, but John tries it anyway. It’s all new to him. He doesn’t exactly know how to woo someone, or how to show that he likes them. It has always been the other person who tried to get John’s attention, and not the other way around; John never had to work for it. Because who wouldn’t be drawn to John Laurens, the golden-skinned stud, who can be frequently seen in protests and rallies wearing sunnies that cost more than their semester fee. John Laurens, who, despite of not having obviously handsome features, is gorgeous as hell with his confident attitude, lush curls, full lips, and tall, muscular body; the heavy dusting of freckles only complimenting his skin and not working against it. John Laurens, who has a very few selected friends and will kill for them. Son of Henry Laurens, John, who has an excellent GPA. John Laurens, whose attention is hard to get. 

But Alex is… he is something else. Alex doesn’t run after John, he isn’t desperate for his attention. He looks at him differently. John can’t quite put his finger on it. Is it admiration? Liking? Or does he look at everyone like that and John is mistaken?  _ No, he doesn’t.  _ He looks at Aaron with trusting eyes, Hercules with politeness. He looks at Lafayette with excited and wide eyes when he talks in French. And something about Alex draws John to him, he can’t figure out exactly what. Or is it a mixture of everything? The tenderness of his mannerism, the clarity of his thoughts in his writings, his passion for the things he writes about, his free and brilliant mind? His soft soft smile?

It must be his big brown intelligent eyes. Or the way they light up when he talks about anything he is passionate about, or when he talks to John.

John likes to think he sees the true Alex. But would Alex like him if he saw the true John Laurens? The John Laurens who very few saw and no one person saw every bit of him? John Laurens, who is apathetic at times and absentminded, who hates these facts about himself but is not strong enough to change, so he ends up hating himself more. John Laurens, the pampered rich boy, who calls his father the second he feels the need of something, who never has to _ earn  _ anything. John Laurens, who everybody thinks has never known real struggle or _ life _ , who looks for it.

 

“You know, you are perky these days.” Lafayette said earlier that day as John whistled a tune he didn’t know.

“What makes you say that?” John said, leaning against the steel wall of the elevator

“I don’t know. You just are.”

John chuckled, then frowned. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“Of course it is.”

“Don’t shy away from happiness, John.” said Hercules, putting his hand on his shoulder. When John tilted his head in mild confusion, Hercules added, “you always trying to find the perfect balance only makes it more hard for you. Now that you are heading where you want to go, it’s making you happy. So I’m warning you before you start worrying about it.”

“How very poetic, Hercules. Well done.” said Lafayette, actually impressed, while John gaped at the two of them.

There was change in the air now.

John’s hand has been resting there, palm open. He tries to relax and stop twitching with anxiety, hardly paying attention to the movie, glancing at his open hand every now and then. He stops breathing when it works. Alex, who is sitting between John and Aaron, slowly slips his hand into John’s and looks up to smile at him, a little giggly. His beautiful eyes are hidden behind the 3D glasses. Alex’s touch burns John’s skin at first, but when he calms down a little, Alex’s hand feels soft and comforting. He links their fingers and Alex squeezes his hand for a second. John leans a little toward him and is glad both his friends and Aaron are oblivious to their little act. They hold hands through the rest of the movie. John gives up eating popcorn in favor of holding Alex’s hand, he just sips on his soda.

 

They get something to eat after the movie and as they leave the mall, John slows his pace to walk along Alex and Aaron.

“Hey.”

Alex simply smiles, a paper cup still in hand which he keeps taking sips from.

“Did you enjoy the movie?”

Alex hands Aaron the soda and signs, which Aaron interprets in a very bored voice. “Yes, it was good.”

John looks down, repeats Hercules’ advice from this morning in his head.  _ Go for it!  _ “So I was wondering… are you free next Saturday?”

“I will have to check, but if it’s anything important, I am sure I can make time anyway.”

John chuckles nervously. “No, it’s nothing important… it’s just… w-will you go out with me? Like dinner or something? It doesn’t have to be dinner. It doesn’t have to be a date. We can go as friends. B-but I’d like it… if it’s a date.” he says, lowering his voice towards the end. Aaron’s presence and glare don’t exactly help.

Alex keeps smiling at him adoringly though, and reaches up to ruffle his hair a little. Before he slowly stops walking, he frowns; both John and Aaron stop with him. He motions for Aaron to keep walking.

“You sure?” Aaron says.

Alex nods.

Aaron eyes John once, as though he is trying to threaten him without actually saying anything, before walking ahead in a slow pace, trying to keep the distance as short as possible. Alex takes out a tiny pocket notebook and starts writing on it. John feels a little awkward while he waits for him to finish. Alex hands him the notebook pretty quickly. It says  _ ‘I can’t say much to you right now. But will you give me time to answer that question? It’s not because I don’t like you, ‘cause I do. I just need to think. Do you understand, my dear John?’ _

John smiles at the endearment. This is all so sudden - the fact only confirming that Alex is trying hard not to upset John. So John doesn’t get upset. He looks up at Alex. “‘Course I do, Alex. Take as much time as you need.”

Taking back the notebook, Alex smiles and starts to walk again. Hercules and Lafayette have fallen into pace with Aaron but they are quite far from John and Alex, yet they don’t speed up, they are enjoying the walk together. A comfortable silence falls. 

Aaron looks back after a while, and evidently it is not the first time he has done so. John raises his hand, gesturing him to wait, to give Aaron peace. Without anybody noticing, Lafayette looks at John and wiggles his eyebrows as they wait, and John ignores him. Again they all fall into the same pace, but Alex does not leave his side.

 

* * *

They exchange phone numbers. John keeps himself from texting Alex constantly. But the thing is, he cannot quite control himself all the time. Something funny happens - he needs to text Alex. All of a sudden he needs to bitch or rant about something - he needs to text Alex. Because Alex always has the best answers. Alex gets him.  Gets his jokes, gets how he thinks,.

The week seems like a year, a year of just texting. As the days pass, John becomes more and more anxious thinking Alex is just going to dodge it, is just going to keep texting and spend the Saturday like that and never talk about the date again. These thoughts keep him up at night, makes him forget where he is when he stands under the spray of water in the bathroom. 

_ I could live with that. Being friends. Just don’t stop talking to me, being with me, spending time with me. I will spend my days just looking at you and talking to you and be happy -  _ says a voice in John’s head.

_ But that’s not how I want him _ \- says another.

_ Well, I can’t always have my way. It’s time I learned that. I might not be as important to Alex as Alex is to me. That’s absolutely possible, and that’s absolutely fine. Why would I be? _

 

Close to midnight, on Friday, John does get a text. He is almost drifting off to sleep when his phone goes off.

 

11:43 pm  **From Alex H:** John

11:43 pm  **To Alex H:** Alex

11:43 pm  **From Alex H:** Are you awake, John?

11:44 pm  **To Alex H:** I am now

11:46 pm  **From Alex H:** I’m not ready.

11:47 pm  **From Alex H:** I don’t know how to say this without hurting you, and believe me, hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But I am not ready to let you in. I’m sorry.

11:54 pm  **From  Alex H:** John?

11:55 pm  **To Alex H:** Alex

11:55 pm  **From Alex H:** I like you right there

 

John sniffles before putting the phone away and rubbing his face on the pillow, and rests the side of his face on the wet fabric as he closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW "I like you right there" is a line from the song _Stay_ from the musical _Amélie_


	5. Stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Don't come any closer but don't move away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tiny little chapter

They don’t talk. John doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t find things funny. He doesn’t feel like ranting. He busies himself with work in his free time. Still, as he stares at his empty inbox sometimes, a part of him wants to text Alex. A part wishes Alex would text. 

He sees Aaron twice on campus, but not Alex. Probably for the best. What would he do if he ran into Alex? Act normal? As though that was possible. Besides, he doesn’t know if he can handle seeing Alex’s face now. He is hurt, upset, and embarrassed. 

When his friends start to notice John being unusually quiet, and how he has stopped talking about Alex completely, they suspect something is wrong. John knows that they will figure it out themselves anyway. But they annoy John to tell them what happened and John snaps at them after a while saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. He really doesn’t. He knows that they mean well, but he is feeling too down to think about his friends and do something he doesn’t want to. Because talking about it means reliving it. And he doesn’t want to get hurt again. Sure he always feels bad and perhaps guilty sometimes after dumping someone, for being such a lousy date, for not giving the people he is seeing the attention they deserve, but he has never been the one to get hurt like this. So he tries to forget about everything. Because he doesn’t think what Alex wants is possible. Heck, he isn’t even sure what exactly Alex wants. But it’s not enough for John even when the other person is wholly devoted. If John carries on, he will end up hurting Alex. He won’t be able to bear that. He can’t keep screwing up people’s lives like that. If he can forget, everyone will be happy, including himself… he reckons.    
But the problem is those brilliant eyes are impossible to forget. John doesn’t want to believe how hard he has fallen.  _ I will forget him. It might take a while, but I will. _

But he can’t help overthink it. Where did it go wrong? Was it something he did?  _ Of course it was something I did!  _ A boy like Alex, who is  _ perfect _ in every possible way, would never be interested in someone like John. He can’t sleep as he grinds his teeth absentmindedly thinking how he could have made it better. It gives him a headache almost every night but he can’t stop.

A couple of days before their break, just when he decides to just stop thinking - if not forget - about everything altogether and focus  _ only _ on his studies like his father always advises him to, he happens upon him.    
Him.    
Alex. 

The library is almost empty and Alex is sitting at a table, headphones in, laptop open, working on something and very focused. John gets the book he needs and sits across from him. It’s almost like he is drawn to him, he didn’t think twice before deciding to sit there. He just wants to see him, be with him so bad. Alex looks up and they look at each other for a while. They neither smile, nor do they show any emotion; their faces are blank.

Alex scribbles something on a blank paper and slides it to John.

_ Stay where you are, please J. _

John read it and when he looks up, Alex gives him another.

_ Don’t come too close. _

And another.

_ But don’t go too far. _

Another.

_ If I could find just the right words to say, to make you understand somehow, would you stay right there? I like you right there. _

The last one has only two words on it, and two will suffice.

_ But stay. _

 

And there they sit, with a table between them, not recognizing what is keeping them apart, but both aware of the pain the distance is causing the other; not friends, not quite lovers, stuck in between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The things Alex writes are actually lyrics of the song Stay from the musical Amélie. That's the song I listen to while writing this fic.


	6. Edge.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But stay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notice that I've changed the rating. Check the notes at the end of the chapter if you want spoiler.

John has way too many friends in South Carolina who all jump on board to meet up with him when they hear that he is back for Thanksgiving. He is not exactly in the mood but he does not decline as they decide to meet at a place where they were not allowed in back when they were in school - a pub.

John chugs the whole mug within five minutes and relishes in the slight buzzing in his head. His friends - including Francis, another boy whose heart he broke in high school by getting caught making out with his seven years senior sister - are all munching on buffalo wings and asking John about college. It is when they start asking about his love life and Francis starts to shift, he excuses himself to go get another drink.

He feels bad about Francis sometimes; the boy never quite got over him, according to his friends. But it was so long ago and Francis should be disgusted with him. But he is not. It was Francis who suggested they remain friends saying, “water under the bridge.” But his gaze never stopped lingering on John. What was John to do? His sister was mature and experienced. But now as he looks back, he realizes it wasn’t even because he liked the girl, or any girl. He does not know what gets into him. He has alway been curious. A bit of flirting and he is in. It is affection and intimacy that he sort of runs away from unknowingly, that scares him… because he always ends up hurting people.

His tipsy mind forgets all that when he sees the bartender, who has a tight crop top on, showing her bellybutton, the low v neck displaying her cleavage. The girl is easily five or six years older than him. John swallows and orders a drink. 

The bartender smirks and leans on her elbows, making the crease between her breasts more prominent. The pendant of her necklace gets caught in the v and then breaks free to dangle after a second. “How about I get you the drink on the house and you meet me in the fire escape in ten minutes, huh cutie?”

John does not answer, keeps staring at her and takes the drink. He doesn’t bother going back to his friends, he waits at the fire escape and sips the scotch in his hand. The chilly wind here stings his nose but it feels nice. He listens to the dull music that comes through the crack of the door and closes his eyes as he waits. His mind is blank and he feels weirdly peaceful for the moment. Then the door opens and the girl comes out, smiling slyly when she sees him. She is wearing maroon lipstick. Was she wearing lipstick before? John does not care as she takes the drink from him and puts it on the floor before slithering her hands under his shirt to caress his stomach, then chest.

“You’re a gorgeous one.” says the girl as he starts kissing his neck.

John hums and concentrates on the press of her breasts on him, her lips on his skin. She unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt and sucks at the hollow where his collarbones meet. John closes his eyes again. The girl, who John didn’t even bother knowing the name of, takes his hands from his sides and places them over his breasts. It feels weird and hard over her bra that pushes them up, but John squeezes them lightly without thinking, which makes the girl giggle a little.

“You want these off?” she says. “I can take them off without taking off my shirt.”

“Um…” John does not know what he wants. He feels numb.

Without waiting for an answer, the girl unhooks her bra, stretches the straps, takes her hands through them, then dips her hand in her shirt to pull out the bra.

“Wow…” John isn’t exactly commenting on seeing her without a bra, he is just admiring the technique, which the girl is unaware of. 

So she smirks and presses his hand over them again. “I saw you looking at them before. You wanna feel them?”

John mindlessly listens to her and caresses her boobs over the thin material of her shirt. The girl starts kissing his jaw and slowly edges towards his lips, and John goes to touch the back of her neck. She has long, dark, silky hair. His mind supplies him the images of big brown eyes, heavy curvy lashes that cast shadow over olive skin, pink mouth that smiles and doesn’t make a sound, hands - with trimmed nails - that move too fast, a piece of paper in which only two  words are written.

_ But stay. _

 

John leans away. The girl stops and looks at him in confusion. “I’m sorry. I’m gay.” he blurts out.  John is not quite sure why he said that when he spent most of his adulthood telling people not to put him in a box. 

The girl moves away and perches her lips. “Couldn’t have mentioned it a little earlier?” She does not look very pissed, which is good - John thinks. She takes the drink from the floor and chugs it. Handing him the glass she says, “That would be $5.52.”

John fumbles in his pockets and pulls out a ten.

“I don’t have change.” she says.

“Keep it.”

Taking the bill, the girl leaves with bra in hand.

 

Questions rise when he returns to his friends, but thanks to smudge-proof lipsticks, John does not have to explain himself.

He is dropped off at his house a little late and a little drunk to his father’s disappointment.

“Jack, it is great that you are keeping in touch with your old friends but I expected more from you.” His father’s low tone booms in the silent room. “Is this the example you want to set for your siblings?

John attempts to stand straight but does not look him in the eye. “No, sir. I’m sorry, sir.”

“You better be. Now go to your room, wash off, drink water and go to sleep. And you better not wake your siblings while climbing the stairs. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” says John before climbing the stairs very slowly, trying not to stumble.

He does not wash or drink water. He falls on his bed and drifts off to sleep. In dreams he sees long dark silky hair, big brown eyes, heavy curvy lashes that cast shadow over olive skin, pink mouth that smiles and doesn’t make a sound, hands that move too fast, a pieces of paper in which a line is written in neat cursive - _ I like you right there. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler: John kinda makes out with a girl and some under the shirt action happens... :/
> 
> I couldn't concentrate much on editing this so I am sorry if there are a lot of mistakes and if there are things that are not properly described and stuff. My favorite singer, my hero, died yesterday and I'm just editing this to distract myself.


	7. Thankful.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family. friends. and he.

The first thing John does when he wakes up the next day is get his backpack. He takes out the neatly folded papers. There are five of them. He reads them again. Gets the message.

He is not mad. He is not miserable. Because Alex is still in his life.    
But it’s not the same.    
But Alex wanted it to be the same, didn’t he?

He tried to stop thinking about him. It hasn’t worked so far. He misses talking to him too much. Misses talking to him, sharing thoughts, reviewing books. Misses that shy smile. 

He wants to hold that hand again and just walk, walk for miles.    
John is not sure Alex would allow that now.

 

“Do you have a headache, Jack?” his father asks over breakfast. Henry was sat at the end of the table, his wife, Eleanor, on the other end, while John’s four siblings sat looking fresh and lively from a good night’s sleep. John sighs as he scans the table, looking not as fresh with messy hair that is a little wet after shower.

“Nothing I can’t handle.” John keeps his answer short.

Eleanor, who is usually bedridden, is happy to join them at the breakfast table. With John off at college now, the times rarely overlap when Eleanor feels well and John is home. She looks at him with kind eyes; surely Henry has told her. “Do you want more egg?”

“No, thank you, mom. I’m good.”

His five-year-old sister, Mary Eleanor, or as her family calls her, Polly, looks at him, cocking her head. “What happened to Jack?”

“Your brother hit his head when he went out with his friends last night.” Henry supplies.

John glares at his other sister, Martha, as she snorts behind her napkin and couldn’t help noticing the smile his father was trying to suppress.

“Oh no, Jack, are you alright?” Polly asks innocently, as Eleanor and Martha look at each other and snicker.

“I’m fine, Polly.”

 

After breakfast John goes to help his mother in the kitchen, who, despite of  having a cook, likes to when she is not sick.

“I’m making your favorite cake.” she informs as he enters the kitchen.

“Lady Baltimore?”

Eleanor nods.

“Yum.” John notices the cook fussing around and looking worried as Eleanor keeps declining her offer to help. “Mom... should you be doing this?”

Eleanor chuckles. “I don’t get to cook for you anymore. I miss that. I’m going to spoil you this week.”

John smiles mildly. “At least let me help you a little?” he says, knowing quite well that his mother won’t turn down an offer to spend time with him.

She sighs. “Sure.” says she before asking him to bring her the stuff from various places in the kitchen. “So how is college?”

“Great. The classes are… great.”

“What about Hercules and Lafayette?”

“They are fine. Lafayette went to Hercules’ parents’ place with him. Upstate. ‘Cause the vacation is too short for him to go to France. He said if he went there for five days, he wouldn’t be able to detach himself from his girlfriend.”

“Poor thing. You should have invited him here.”

“I did. But Hercules had already invited him so.” he pauses and looks at her. “How are you, mom?”

“I feel healthier than I’ve felt in months. So I’d say I’m great. Maybe it has something to do with you being back.” She pulls him down to kiss his forehead.

John sighs. If she had asked, John would leave everything and stay in here with her, no matter how much he loved New York and wanted to escape South Carolina. But they all know how important John’s education is, and Eleanor is anything but selfish.

“Do you miss work still?” John asks.

Eleanor smiles. “You know how much I loved my job. But I don’t have the strength to handle gradeschoolers anymore, do I?” She chuckles as she remembers, “do you remember how embarrassed you would get when I took your classes?”

“Of course!  It’s just weird when your mom takes your classes and checks your copies and stuff. The other kids would poke me and snicker when you weren’t looking.” John laughs thinking about the time.

“Oh, you were so tiny and adorable.” She remembers fondly.

“I was not tiny, I was never tiny.”

“You know this is the first time I’m seeing you genuinely laughing since you came here. What happened?” Her tone changes as she speaks. “Is it you father again?”

“No, mom. Dad… dad is trying, don’t blame him.”

“Then what is it?”

“Nothing.” he mumbles and looks down to whisk the mixture.

“Doesn’t look like nothing. Come on, talk to me, I’m your mom.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want to.”

Eleanor stops and John looks up at her to see a hurt look on her face. “Mom… come on, it’s not like that. Okay…” he sighs. “There is a boy I think I really like. I asked him out and he said no. The end. I should stop whining already.” he says quickly, embarrassed.

“Aw, my poor baby.” she says as she rubs circles on his back. “Were you two friends?”

“We are still. But I don’t… not exactly friends. It’s more. I just… I don’t know. I don’t know where we stand.” He paused. “And we haven’t talked for a while and I... I miss him, mom.” He turns around and hugs his mother tightly.

 

* * *

“Seriously? You’ve  _ never _ been rejected before?” Hercules says, incredulous.

John shakes his head.

When his friends didn’t get enough replies from him for days, Hercules had contacted Martha and told her to hunt John down and give him her laptop so they could video chat with him because they could sense something was wrong.

Lafayette moves close to Hercules to fit into the frame.  “Is it such a surprise, Herc? He probably never even had to ask anyone out before.” says Lafayette.

“I’ve asked.” says John with a monotonous tone as he lies on his bed. “One or two…”

“And you are just bummed out because he is the first person to say no to you?” asks Hercules.

John is silent for a while. He doesn’t feel like talking about it, but he can’t tell his friends off either. 

“If that’s why you’re…” Lafayette starts. He keeps his voice as polite as possible. “John, please don’t go after Alex if you’re not sure or if you want to prove some kind of point. You understand Alex is not a toy you can play with and then throw away when you are bored, yes  _ mon ami _ ?”

John is staring at the ceiling as he says, “That’s not it, Laf. I…” Lafayette is surprised John didn’t snap at him. John sits up. “I like him… Fuck I really  _ really _ like him. And I didn’t want to let it go without giving it a chance just because I was scared of hurting him. Didn’t want to end it before we even had a chance.”

 

On Thanksgiving day, Henry’s brother, James, with his family, comes to spend the whole day with them and then have dinner. John was happily hiding in the library before his cousins, with his own siblings, find him and demand to spread wisdom of college as they do every time they see John; John doesn’t see why it is still so interesting to them.

“You are there for your education, and not for fun alone?” John concludes.

“But fun is a bonus, right?” asks one of the older cousins who will be off to college in a couple of years and apparently cannot wait for it. 

John excuses himself after that saying he is going to help his mother. He does actually go to the kitchen and lends a hand to the help his mother - who has given the cook and maids the day off - and his father, who has apparently left his brother with drinks to help his wife.

The exhaustion from pretending to be happy, the work and stress leave John weary. He flops on his bed and picks his phone from the bedside table, checks the notifications and he stops breathing.

A text from him. A text from Alex among others. And he is irrationally afraid to open it. 

He breathes in, and then out through his mouth for a few seconds before clicking on it.

A single word.

 

04:46 pm **From Alex H:** _John._

 

John types automatically. Feels bad for not seeing the text sooner.

 

10:17 pm **To Alex H:** _Alex._

 

He waits for a while and then sends another.

 

10: 24 pm  **To Alex H** :  _ I’m sorry, I saw the text just now. _

 

But Alex never minds a late reply.

John does not go to sleep before he gets a reply. Checks his phone every few minutes. This is important.

It makes him jump when his phone goes off minutes later.

 

10:32 pm **From Alex H:** _I’m thankful for you, thankful that you are in my life._

 

A mild smile spreads across his face and it feels like genuinely smiling after decades.

 

10:33 pm **To Alex H:** _I’m thankful for you for letting me be in your life, for spending time with me, for existing. And for this text. Thank you, Alex._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might change a few small things later. I'll let y'all know in the next chapter note if I do.


	8. Texts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Always.

10:36 pm **From Alex H** : How was your day?

10:38 pm **To Alex H** : Not so bad. Spent time with cousins who are all younger than me. Kind of annoying actually. Helped mom and dad make dinner to get rid of them. Then had dinner which was delicious btw. Now in bed.

10:38 pm **From Alex H** : So you can cook?

10:39 pm **To Alex H** : Learnt from my mom a little. I can pull off a decent meal. But she is a really great cook. She loves cooking. Made me my favorite cake the other day. I didn’t share a single piece with anyone.

10:40 pm **From Alex H** : How long did it take you to finish the whole thing?

10:42 pm **To Alex H** : like 3 days

10:42 pm **From Alex H** : You’re a monster, Laurens.

10:42 pm **To Alex H** : Laurens?

10:43 pm **From Alex H** : Yes, that's your name.

10:44 pm **To Alex H** : Yeah but you don't call me that

10:44 pm **From Alex H** : Don’t change the subject, Laurens. I was accusing you of being a monster for finishing a whole goddamn cake in three days without sharing.

10:45 pm **To Alex H** : Hey! It was yummy okkkk? And it was made for ME especially.

10:45 pm **From Alex H** : Are you coming back with a round belly?

10:45 pm **To Alex H** : I’m sure I could rock it.

10:46 pm **From Alex H** : You could rock anything.

10:46 pm **To Alex H** : :)

10:46 pm **To Alex H** : How was your day?

10:47 pm **From Alex H** : Great. It was just me, my parents and Aaron. We spent a lot of time gathered in the kiychen and then had dinner together. Mom and dad danced a little when they had too much wine, which was weird but cute in a way.

10:47 pm  **From Alex H** : *kitchen

10:48 pm From **Alex H** : XD I can’t imagine George Washington dancing

10:48 pm From **Alex H** : I wish I’d made a video.

10:51 pm **To Alex H** : Aaron wasn’t wanted anywhere else?

10:52 pm **From Alex H** : He was invited to his relatives’ but he is not really close with them. His sister lives in London with her husband, he spends Christmas there. Not always though.

10:54 pm **From Alex H** : He has been spending the holidays with us since his grandparents passed away. He is practically family. Brother. We have a lot in common. We’ve gone through almost the same sort of shits in life. Maybe that’s why we bonded so quickly.

10:54 pm **To Alex H** : What sort of shits?

10:55 pm **From Alex H** : Some other time, John. I am happy today. Want to go to sleep happy.

10:55 pm **To Alex H** : Ok. Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate that.

10:56 pm **To Alex H** : What about your parents’ relatives. Didn’t they come?

10:58 pm **From Alex H** : I don’t really like crowds or gatherings. Suffocate me. So they don’t invite many people at once. And nobody wants to spend thanksgiving without their families anyway. So we don’t have guests on Thanksgiving.

10:59 pm **From Alex H** : I sometimes feel guilty though. They can’t invite people because of me. I tell them to invite them and I can spend my day in the bedroom or library. I don’t really mind. But they won’t listen.

11:01 pm **To Alex H** : Well don’t feel bad. You’re their kid, their first priority. Your wellbeing comes first. You mean more to them than spending holidays with relatives.

11:02 pm **From Alex H** : I love talking to you.

11:02 pm **From Alex H** : You always know the right things to say.

11:04 pm **To Alex H** : The feeling is mutual.

11:09 pm **From Alex H** : Thank you for answering today. After a while I thought you wouldn’t. I was worried.

11:10 pm **To Alex H** : I will always answer, Alex. Whenever you call me and wherever I may be.

11:13 pm **From Alex H** : Will you?

11:13 pm **From Alex H** : Will you stay?

11:13 pm **To Alex H** : Always, Alex.


	9. Fear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ease. trust. and dread.

They text for hours. Alex learns a lot about John’s family, his four siblings, his parents. John asks questions about George and Martha Washington, and their pet dog, Buddy ( _ but I always wanted a cat _ \- Alex writes.) Alex answers them all gladly, but he is reserved about his life before the Washingtons or anything too personal. John only knows that Alex was thirteen when he was adopted.

Alex jokes. Calls him a monster again for devouring the leftover. Calls him Laurens again. 

John wishes he could see his face.

Alex sends pictures, of the food he eats, the places he goes to with his parents or Aaron, the outfits he wears, and sometimes just silly selfies where he is grinning, making silly faces, wearing hats that cover his eyes. John’s favorite are the ones where he is making innocent faces. John saves all of them and swipe through them when he is alone. 

John sends some of his own. The view from his bedroom that he showed the painting of. And in his spare time he absentmindedly draws big, brown eyes with long lashes. Dark hair resting on shoulder. 

He does not show them to anyone. They are just for him. The sketchbook is hidden deep in the closet.

All this continue even when the classes resume. John is a little too glad to go back to college because he has something, or someone, to look forward to now. He does not ask Alex to meet him. He lingers in the library and eventually runs into Alex. 

The smile that spreads across Alex’s face when he sees John leaves a warm feeling in John’s chest. They sit and talk for hours. Often Alex starts reading and making notes. John just watches him study; how he seem to glow in the yellowish light of the library. He observes the curve of his jaw and cheekbones, the darker shade of his eyelids, his eyelashes casting shadow, the reddish hue of his lips fading into pink. He thinks how pleasing it would be to draw him.

Alex looks up sometimes and blushes, but John, unashamed, keeps staring. He does not think Alex minds, because he doesn’t look uncomfortable like he does under anyone else’s attention. He just smiles shyly, shakes his head from side to side and goes back to his work.

They squeeze time out to have lunch together sometimes, but it is always Alex who proposes the idea. Aaron often joins them; so do Lafayette and Hercules. But John and Alex are constant. 

Alex, unconsciously, leans a little closer to John when they sit side by side, holds his hand when they walk, feels safe.

John reads to him sometimes. Then they discuss it. It’s when they are reading Woolf’s  _ Orlando,  _ sitting on the library floor beside the window, John feels Alex wrapping his hand around John’s elbow and resting his head on his shoulder. It’s comfortable, easy. The library is their favorite place to meet, they decide.

 

10:23 am  **From Alex <3: ** _ Are you free around 12? _

10:25 am **To Alex <3:** _I have class. But I can skip._

10:25 am **From Alex <3:** _No, please don’t. It will make me feel bad. When does the class end?_

10:26 am **To Alex <3:** _At 12:40. Then I am free for about half an hour._

10:26 am **From Alex <3:** _I have class at 12:25_

10:26 am **From Alex <3:** _Ends at 1:05_

10:27 am  **To Alex <3: ** _ I’m free until 1:15 _

10:28 am **From Alex <3:** _That would be enough._

 

John would have to skip lunch, but he could not care less. The forty minute class seems endless and he cannot stop his fingers from drumming on the desk. He does not take any notes, doesn’t even take out his notebook. He is fidgeting and checking his phone every minute. 

He half runs out of the classroom when the teacher says they are dismissed and goes straight to the library, their favorite spot. He paces for a while, waiting for Alex. Then he takes a book off the shelf to calm himself, but he is not sure it is working as he sit at a table with it open.

Alex finally arrives at 1:07 - John knows because he has been counting every second. John stands up immediately. “Hey.” he says softly. 

Aaron is there too; no surprise. Alex waves and then starts signing which Aaron interprets, “I’m sorry I could not wait until after class to tell you.” John smiles. “But if the offer still stands,” Alex stops signing for a moment, hesitant, the goes again. “I will go out with you.” He grins when he sees John smile.  “I thought it would be nice if I told you face to face.”

John nods excitedly. “It  _ is _ nice.” He feels like he’s going to burst. He’s vibrating with nervous energy. 

“But he has to come.” Aaron adds, “that’s me. I have to come.” Aaron has a blank expression on his face and his eyes are narrow as he looks at John

John nods again. “Sure. Sure. Aaron comes.”

“Ok then.” Then Aaron says to Alex. “Don’t you have something else you need to say to John?”

“What is it?” John asks.

Alex signs. “You will be late for your class. I will text.”

“I can-”

“I will text you.”

John smiles. “I’ll text you the details then.” he says before going. He wants to kiss Alex on the cheek so bad. But he can’t help seeing the judgy and untrusting look on Aaron’s face.

 

* * *

“ Sérieusement ? Aaron will be there with you? Won’t that be a little awkward.” Lafayette frowns after John tells him and Hercules.

“I don’t think it’s gonna be weird. Half the time he is there when I talk to Alex.” John says. “Not as much now, but…” he mumbles as an afterthought. “I’m used to it.”

“You’re trying to convince yourself by saying it doesn’t bother you. Besides, Alex has that app and he writes things down, so is Aaron really needed there? Isn’t a date supposed to between _ two _ people?”

“Stop that, Lafayette, you don’t know Alex well.” says Hercules. “Maybe it’s not just for interpreting that Aaron will be there.”

“What do you mean?” says John. “Like he needs some sorta bodyguard, a- a protection? Like Alex doesn’t trust me enough? I will have you know that I took him to my room once-”

“To show him the painting, yes, I know, you’ve said that before. I didn’t mean to offend you, princess. I just mean it could be anything. You are lucky that Alex agreed to go out with a fuckboy like you, so stop trying to figure out Aaron’s role in it and enjoy it.”

“Two things, Mulligan. I am not a fuckboy and I was not trying to figure out anyone, Laf was. I, on the other hand, have no problem with Aaron being there.”

“Two questions, Laurens. How long was your longest relationship? And keep trying to convince yourself that you are not bothered by it.” he says before high-fiving Lafayette. “Oh sorry, the last bit was a statement I guess.”

John groans. “Just leave me alone.” he says, leaving their room himself.

 

* * *

John is surprised to get a call from Aaron the next day. Aaron asks him to meet up with him. To avoid running into Alex, they don’t go to the library. Aaron just instructs John to wait outside his dorm.

He does not even greet him back when John says hi. He goes straight to the point. 

“Look, Laurens-”

“ _ Laurens _ ?”

“-Alex went against me to go out with you. To be quite honest, I advised him otherwise. Now, I would have no interest in interfering in other people’s lives if it weren’t for Alex. And somehow he trusts you now. And that’s a lot. Because - Alex won’t appreciate me saying this - but he has major trust issues. Everybody knows you’re the big ‘heart-breaker’ or whatever, and I don’t know what you have done to earn his trust, but you have. And if you break that trust … I will break you.”

John chuckles, confused. “Is this supposed to be shovel talk or something?”

“John, I swear to God, if you hurt him in  _ any way _ , I will end you.”

It is almost laughable to see Aaron, a five-feet-eight, somewhat lean guy, threatening John, a six-feet-one, muscular jock who basically towers over him. But the seriousness in Aaron’s tone scares John, and he realizes few underlying fact - Aaron cares too much about Alex. He is way too protective of him. This strong sense of protectiveness does not come from just affection. Aaron is scared.   
John is not stupid. This is not just shovel talk. Aaron is obliged to protect Alex, which is why he rarely leaves his side, as though someone has made a mistake before that has burdened Aaron with this responsibility, something that has caused Alex pain and something he is careful not to let happen again.


	10. Pause.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> advice. hesitation. help.

John Andre, John’s roommate, is as straight as they come. They have never talked much but John can tell from Andre’s lack of interest to communicate with him that he does not approve of his lifestyle. Or at least, he is not comfortable with it. It does not matter to John, it does not usually bother him. But that night he just needed to talk, to  _ anyone _ . His friends were asleep in their room, he doesn’t like to disturb them. His siblings are probably asleep too. Martha, the second eldest, is sent to bed at ten. John doubts if she fall asleep right after. So he texts her first.

 

11:48 pm **To Martha L.:** _Are you awake?_

12:03 am **To Martha L.:** _Oi_

12:11 am **To Martha L.:** _You’re asleep I guess. Sweet dreams, jackass._

 

John puts down the book he was pretending to read. “So you have a girlfriend, yeah?”

Andre looks abruptly up at him, slightly confused if he is talking to him or on phone. “Yes…?”

“Is it a long-term relationship?”

“I would say so. We’ve been together for two and a half years now.”

“Woah…” John says under his breath.

“Why? What was your longest relationship?”

“Um… five months I think.” John lies.

Andre smiles politely and goes back to reading.

“Can I ask you something? If you don’t mind?” John says again.

Andre looks at him timidly. “Yeah. Ok.”

“Do you ever…” John shrugs and breaks eye contact. “I dunno, get bored?”

Andre furrows his brows slightly. “No, why would I? I love my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I get that. But, like, doing the mundane things everyday… Don’t you crave… change?”

“Laurens, when you are with the right girl… person, the mundane things don’t feel mundane. You don’t run out of things that you want to do with the person. The everyday things are the things that you look forward to. And you certainly never get bored of being with them. It’s like you are doing everyday stuff but there is nowhere else you’d rather be.”

John is looking at the floor, lost in his thoughts. “Right…”

“May I ask what happened? You never come to me for dating advice.” Andre chuckles awkwardly.

John sighs. “I asked someone out. The thing is, usually I don’t even think about it before I go out with people. But this one… I care about him… a lot. I don’t want to hurt him. So I need to be sure before it even starts. I always end up hurting people, and the worst part is, I don’t give a damn about it.”

“But you give a ‘damn’ about this one?”

“More than just a damn, yeah.” John chuckles.

“Then, despite your reputation, I daresay you won’t hurt him. He might be the right person.”

“You think?” John says hesitantly.

“Yes. If you care about him enough to rethink your decisions, then yes. He has changed you, and that’s the sort of things that makes you certain.”

John smiles. “Thanks, Andre.” he says, wondering why they don’t talk more.

Andre shrugs. “What’s his name?”

“Alex. Alexander Hamilton.”

 

12:27 am **To Alex H.:** _Goodnight. Can’t wait for tomorrow._

12:27 am  **To Alex H.:** _ Today _

12:32 am **From Alex H.:** _Goodnight, my someone._

 

Sure it is a good night despite of him receiving threats from Aaron. John smiles and sighs, lets his phone fall off the side of the bed and reach the floor with a soft thud.

 

* * *

 

_ Sign language for beginners  _

John types and clicks ‘enter’.

It is not just because of why Aaron has to come. He wants to be able to know what Alex is saying first hand; without reading off a paper or from that weird app. Not just tonight. Always. Because the man has a beautiful mind and he wants to know what is going on in there without Aaron’s or that robotic voice’s interruption.

John believes if he and Alex could talk alone and not through writing or typing, Alex would open up more and that would bring them closer. Because while writing or typing, he changes his mind a lot, filters his thoughts, he doesn’t always say the first thing that comes to his beautiful mind. John just wants to learn more about him, learn everything about him. Alex is an enigma that John wants to decode.

But after two hours of useless browsing and changing useless videos, he closes his laptop and gets his phone. It rings for a while before he says, “Hello, dad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny chapter. 
> 
> This is the most immature fic I’ve ever written but I love writing it. It gives me a break from all the intensity. Forgive me.
> 
> Y'all know "Goodnight My Someone", right? It's a lovely song! And Alex likes music.


	11. Firsts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date. Like. Happiness. & fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the sappiest chapter ever. I was listening to Sleeping At Last's 'Turning Page' while writing this chapter, that might have influenced my writing a little...

John puts on his best shirt, combs his hair and puts it into a neat bun. He lets Lafayette put strawberry flavoured chapstick on his lips - which he doubts will last long as he has the habit of biting and licking his lips.

Alex is wearing a check shirt, with the top two buttons left undone and the sleeves pushed to the elbows. His dark hair is down. The smooth strands swing to and fro as he comes down to meet John at the foot of the staircase. John sees his cheeks take a pinker hue as he smiles seeing John staring at him. Alex looks down, grinning. The last light of the sun helplessly falls and dissolves into his eyes and makes them warmer when he looks up to look at the man standing before him. His friend. Something more. But not quite.

Why does everything have a name?

What should John call Alex? What should he call the pink hue of his cheeks? The sunlight in his eyes? The warmth that spreads in his chest? The sound of Alex’s breath leaving his mouth when he kisses his cheek? The soft palm against his arm? The feeling of existing? The feeling of sheer happiness?

Furrowing his brows in a funny way, Alex keeps smiling at John.

John blinks, shakes his head. “Sorry… hi.”

Alex raises his hand in response, still smiling. Aaron appears right behind; his eyes hooded as if he is bored and would rather be anywhere else. And in reply to John’s ‘hello’, he only gives him a nod. 

John hopes to god that Aaron doesn’t ruin this. A small part of him is screaming that he is not happy with Aaron being here and looking for answers. Why Aaron has to come? 

But that part of him is not dominant. He knows that that part is selfish and almost cruel. He is mostly indifferent about Aaron, even if that’s only for Alex’s sake. He is not going to let Aaron’s presence ruin their perfect day. The dominant part is just happy that Alex has finally agreed to go out with him. Anyway, it should be easy to look at Alex and forget that Aaron is even there, right?

It isn’t. As Alex and John sit across from each other at a table reserved for three, Aaron takes the seat in the middle. Alex steals glances over his menu and giggles inaudibly. The situation is awkward and, of course, Alex find it funny. John sits rather straight but returns the smiles. He looks around. The restaurant, though a fancy little place, is pretty packed, and a weight drops into his stomach. He has failed.  

Aaron, with his elbow on the table and his chin resting on his palm, scans the menu. “Try to relax, John. I’m not going to bite.” says Aaron without looking up, making Alex giggle again.

“I am relaxed. Thank you very much.” says John, sipping water.

When Alex and John start conversing, it takes John a while to notice, but Aaron tries his best to not be a nuisance and finally give them a chance. While translating, his voice becomes almost robotic; no trace of his otherwise bored tone.

Things get more awkward when the waiter brings the bill. 

“Seriously John, let me pay.” says Aaron, his palm opened.

“But _ I _ took you… I took Alex out.”

“Yes, Alex. Not me. So it’s weird if you pay for my food too.”

Alex watches the two of them bickering for a while, with a mischievous smile on his face, before he suggests a solution. In the end, Burr pays for his own meal and John pays the rest.

On their way to campus, Burr walks ahead. Alex walks alongside John and takes his hand. This time John blushes and thanks the darkness of the night for not making it visible.

They walk silently at a leisurely pace for a while. John feels Alex’s steady pressure, the warmth, as Alex leans a little against him and scans the starless sky. And for that moment, amid the crowd, John feels as though it is just him and Alex. Because Alex trusts him among all these people. And for the first time John feels like he is Alex’s. He is not sure if Alex is his  yet, but John realizes that he has started to give his everything to Alex and he can’t help it. He has waited a long time and he asks the universe to give him the strength to wait more. As he stares at his… his man, he is happy, he is scared. John is nothing special. While Alex is… that’s not the question. What Alex isn’t? Nothing cruel or selfish or bad. Not a bit of it. The ease with which he smiles puts every other happy feeling in John to shame. There’s a child in him still, but he is smarter than anyone John has ever met. And John couldn’t even plan a perfect first date for this amazing boy. Can he trust himself not to hurt him?

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve disappointed you. I should have thought this through. I didn’t wanna do something extra and scare you off, you know. So I kept it simple. And it was… weird and a disaster.” says John.

Alex listens in silence, staring up at him. He smiles softly, then reaches up to ruffle John’s hair a little, which then he himself flattens. He takes his phone out and starts typing. ‘I wasn’t disappointed. I had a great time. All I wanted was to spend time with you. You could have taken me to the library and talked to me for a while as a first date and I wouldn’t have been disappointed.’

John smiles. 

‘And it was funny to see you and Aaron. That’s a bonus.’

“Why do you always gotta be so nice? Be an asshole sometimes.”

Alex laughs. ‘I am an asshole. Just not with you.’

“Well, I like all of you anyway.”

Alex looks up at him, smiling. He doesn’t type anything.

“I do. I like you, Alex.” John takes a deep breath before leaning in and kissing Alex’s forehead. 

‘I like you a lot, John Laurens.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 263rd birthday to J. The wonderful wonderful boy


	12. Know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> glasses. history. and embrace.

It is by accident that John discovers that Alex wears glasses.

John enters Alex’s dorm room late one evening after knocking twice on the door to return a book that Alex needs for his class tomorrow to find the other boy reading and making notes.

Alex, raising a hand in greeting, resumes writing his notes - totally forgetting about the glasses that he is wearing - only to look up a few seconds later when John doesn’t come to him or say anything. Alex finds John frozen at the doorway. It doesn’t take Alex long to realize what has surprised John. He hurriedly takes off his glasses and looks at John wide-eyed, as though it can be unseen now if he takes them off just quickly enough. 

When Alex sighs and looks down after a moment, John comes to and realizes that he has been staring. He shakes his head and smiles mildly.  He walks to the bed where Alex is sitting cross-legged and staring at John quite grumpily. John climbs onto the bed to sit beside him and gently takes the glasses from his hands. Square and thick-framed, the geeky glasses are pretty heavy, not flimsy.

John puts them back on the sulky boy. He grins as Alex huffs, apparently mad at himself for being found out. “Were you intentionally hiding it from me?” John asks, smiling,

Alex shakes his head and, putting aside his book and notebook, gets his phone. ‘I wear contacts when I’m out. But I wasn’t exactly excited about showing you.’

“Why?”

‘It makes me look nerdy.’

John scoffs. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind Alex’s ear, John smiles and leans in to place a soft kiss on his cheek. “I think you look cute. You look even smarter with these.”

The pinkish hue on Alex’s cheeks betrays his mock-annoyed look. ‘You must say this to everyone,’ he jokes.

“Never.”

‘No? You don’t usually compliment the people you’re dating to woo them?’

“It may be hard to believe now but I was never the type.”

Alex smiles. ‘Only to me?’

“Only you,” says John before taking Alex’s hand and kissing it.

Moments pass in silence before Alex types, ‘you’ve dated a lot of people?’

John looks down for a second. “I’m guessing Aaron told you about me.”

‘He did.’

John nods, still holding Alex’s hand. “I have a reputation. But, Alex, I’m not… I’m not a... playboy… or whatever. Yes, I did see a lot of people before you. And they were not... long lasting.” says John, looking down and playing with Alex’s fingers. “I was never really into them, y’know what I mean? And after a while, I would get bored and run out of things to say and I would end it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not like I didn’t try…  The only problem was, I think, that I didn’t think about it all that much when people asked me out.”

‘And a lot of people ask you out?’

“Well… I don’t know.” John chuckles. “Maybe a little more than normal.”

Alex grins. ‘No doubt. My boyfriend is so damn good-looking!’

Warmth spreads in John’s chest and he looks at him and laughs. _Boyfriend._   
John sighs and the smile drains off his face. “I am nothing compared to you,” he says seriously. “I was so scared… God, I’m scared still. I don’t wanna hurt you, Alex.”

The mild smile never leaves Alex’s lips. ‘Do you think you will get bored with me?’

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

‘Do you think we will run out of things to say?’

“No. And it wouldn’t matter to me if we do. I can just stare at you and be happy without having to say a single word.”

Alex squeezes his hand affectionately. ‘Well then, I don’t think it’s your character that stopped you from getting into a proper relationship. You just hadn’t found the right kind of person. You know, someone who you could click with like you click with me. And as you say you have a reputation, people expect you to behave a certain way, people approach you knowing that. And that’s not your fault. I want you to know that I don’t care how many people you went out with or what people say about you. I only care that you are now here with me.’

John looks at Alex for a long while silently. 

Not many people usually know sign language. Typing and writing down things take time. Alex doesn’t have the power to stop a conversation and make people listen to what he has to say. That inability, John presumes, gives Alex the time for something even greater. Alex observes. He thinks. He calculates. Therefore he can figure people out in ways that others can’t. 

How the hell did John get so lucky? “I like you so damn much.” Overwhelmed with affection, he stammers, “can I… can I hug you?”

Without answering, Alex timidly wraps his arms around John’s neck and pulls him closer to him. John hesitates before he rests his palms on Alex’s back. He can feel Alex’s tense muscles and he almost starts to let go when he hears Alex’s phone go, ‘don’t be scared, John.’

John shouldn’t be afraid. They both know that that fear will take its toll before John can even give this a proper chance. He will exhaust himself and then will want to run away.

But simply admitting that doesn’t make him stop being scared.

John sighs. He wants to forget everything for a moment and relish this moment. He makes himself relax. He feels Alex relax a little in his arms, feels how soft he feels now that he is trying to relax his muscles. John can tell he is trying and he is happy that he is. But he doesn’t want Alex to feel pressured to do anything. He can wait an eternity to be physically as close to him as they are mentally. 

Alex does relax eventually. He lets his phone drop on the mattress - signaling that he has said everything that he wanted to, and that this shared silence is comfortable. For a while, he plays with John’s curls as John ever so subtly smells him. He smells his mint shampoo, his vanilla body wash, and something that doesn’t belong to any product, something that is Alex’s, that belongs to Alex alone.

Alex drops his hands from his neck and wraps them around John’s middle. Nuzzling John’s neck, Alex angles himself so they can hug each other more comfortably. A tiny chuckle leaves John’s mouth and he rocks them from size to size. Alex is soft in his arms. His untied hair tickles John’s neck and his breath leaves a warm sensation on his skin. 

John closes his eyes. So does Alex when John brushes his lips on his forehead. John doesn’t know how long they stay like this.


End file.
